Thursday, January 10, 2013

The Begining

I am going to be completely honest in this post. It isn't that I lie about these events but when other talk about them I am kind of quiet, some people in my life know how I feel about these things but I think parts of this post might even shock my best friend a little. When Matt was born I didn't feel that instant connection. Even after he was born I thought that moment where moms hold or see their child for the first time was so magical, so special they weep for joy was an exaggeration. I have even fished around to my friends asking if that moment is real. They say it is, but for me it wasn't like that. My entire pregnancy I didn't let myself get attached to Matthew. After 3 pregnancy losses and years of infertility I didn't let myself believe there was going to be a baby at the end of the journey, so when it finally got there I had to let it sink in. In the delivery room I saw him as my friend held him. I could hold him or even touch him, I just got to look at him. I remember laying there thinking maybe I should try to fake a moment. (much like I did in the sonogram I found out he was a boy) I looked at him, I thought he was such a beautiful baby, but there wasn't a connection. After they took him away and I laid there on the table I kept trying to fake some sort of attachment. I didn't even get lost in the thoughts of him, I joined in the political conversations with the doctors and nurses. In recovery I was alone so it left more time to be left with my thoughts. I remember telling the nurse how cute he was, and that I was glad he was cute because not all babies are cute, but he really was. She told me that at least one of her sons wasn't very cute when he was born. I remember assuring her that my son was cute. I thought some about his name, I mainly thought about how cold I was and how nice the warming blanket felt. When I got back to my room It took hours for me to see him. I was antsy.. I wanted to see him again, I wanted to hold him. I could barely remember what he looked like other than cute. Finally he was brought to my room. (I found out he almost went to the NICU, but thankfully didn't have to) I just looked at him. I was alone with him and I dressed him and took care of him. I counted his fingers and his toes, thinking maybe that was the magical moment. It wasn't. As the minutes, hours, and days went on I began to let myself believe that he was really mine, it wasn't a dream and what I had wanted for so long actually happened. Those first few months with him were amazing! After it sunk in he was mine to keep I loved every single minute. Someone could give me bad news, but I would just smile. Nothing could bring me down. It was the happiest I had ever been. I was a pro at motherhood, I had studied every aspect for years and when it came time to use that knowledge I used it well. Honestly there wasn't any surprises that first year. I feel bad admitting how easy it was for me to adjust. I felt lucky I wasn't married and all I had to do was take care of him. Honestly, I can't remember a time I was ever more rested. I did what I had been told to do, I slept when he slept and I woke up when he was awake. Even between the breast feeding hell times of breastfeeding, bottle feeding, pumping every two hours I got plenty of sleep. Matthew over all was a good baby. There were times he would cry for long periods of time and was un-consolable, but I was there every second he cried doing everything I could. Matt never had to cry it out, almost all of his needs were met the second he groaned. It killed me when we were in the car and I couldn't meet his needs instantly. I was a crazy mom. Looking back I can't believe the way the first few months went. I had a list of scheduled activities on my dry erase board that I followed. There were somethings that had to be done every day, like tummy time, skin to skin, baby massage, singing. Then there was a whole other list of activities that had to be done three times a week. I even kept track of when I did what so I didn't miss any of them. These were crazy things like, baby signing, french, reading time, finger play time, make believe story time, library time. I know there were more but I don't remember them. Some of these things are normal but some were over the top. I laugh looking back thinking about me taking a newborn to the library to pick out books. I had a print out of baby songs to sing! I had picture books in sign language and french! The first year of Matt's life was truly amazing. I don't think I would trade any of it. I remember at 14 months when he regressed losing all language and social skills. It was the first time I felt lost on the mommy journey. I remember thinking and saying I was totally prepared for everything but this. Since that first year I am totally different. I now feel stress, worry, lost. Happy Birthday Matthew!!! I can't believe my little baby is 5!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

5 years ago

Five years ago tonight I was waiting in the hospital trying to get induced to have my son. I was so excited! I had waited so long to have a son, and in just a few short hours I would be able to hold my dream come true. There was a song I listened to a lot in my infertile years. It meant so much to me, and sitting here tonight thinking of the song it means so much more. It brings tears of joy to my eyes that I have a son, I have the most amazing son I could have ever wished for. My Dream Come True Original Author: Robert Hawkins I love to watch you sleeping All nestled in your bed As one arm rests across your chest The other by your head I hear you softly breathing and a chill comes over me Without a sound I bend down and gently kiss your cheek Chorus: I don't know what your dreaming but your my dream come true I can't believe I'm standing here looking back at you I see your peaceful slumber smile and wonder if I am dreaming too I don't know what your dreaming but your my dream come true Your night light casts a shadow upon the moonlit wall Your rocking horse is small of course but now it looks ten feet tall Is this the steed you ride on when drifting off to sleep Your toy chest there can not be where your secret treasures keep Repeat Chorus I see your peaceful slumber smile And wonder if I am dreaming too Don't know what your dreaming But your my dream You're my dream come true Five years ago I couldn't have even begin to imagine the turns the last five years have brought. I would have never guess that I would know such a sad side of the world, I thought back then the biggest struggle I would face was keeping a child alive the 8 months in my body. I had never heard of any rare disease or the havoc the cause. I has visions of what having a 5 year old would be like, I didn't even know what feeding tubes really were. It really has been an amazing five years. Matthew is so amazing. He is so smart, so funny, so loving, so kind, so cute. At least once a day I wonder how in the world I got to be so lucky to have such an amazing son. I am so excited for today, I can't wait till Matt wakes up and I get to celebrate his fifth birthday with him. We don't have much planned for tomorrow his party is Friday, and Kevin works all day so it will be a day of celebrating just me and him. I think it might make it more special. That day 5 years ago, even though I was surrounded by loving friends it was just me and him.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Matt is still sick!

His sickness started on Dec 18th. He is finally started feeling a little better but he is still not back to himself yet. Yesterday he was almost there, and then today he took another nap with out meds. Then all day today he was tired and clingy. I can't wait till this passes. I really don't know how to move from here. I am worried about him getting sick again. His birthday party is at Chuck E. Cheese - germ central! I hope he doesn't get over this just to get it again. Matt's birthday is a few days away! I am so excited!!! I need to go buy some more wrapping paper. I Have used two small rolls and I am going to need at least one more! Family members send money that I turn into gifts so there ends up being a good amount. His birthday is on Thursday and his party is on Friday. I am still trying to decide what we are going to do that day to celebrate.